Venerable newscaster Norm Archer (Len Cariou) reports the latest news in politics, health, culture and entertainment -- such as an automotive recall of decapitation-inducing "neckbelts" and a study finding that "depression hits losers hardest." The compilation of bogus news stories, celebrity profiles and movie trailers comes courtesy of the ace satirists at The Onion. But the film's most intriguing credit is Steven Seagal as Cock Puncher.